How to Support a Loved One Through Pregnancy and Infant Loss
It is hard to believe that October has almost come to an end. This month has been incredibly emotional for everyone. Not only is it Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, but the war between Israel and Hamas has been devastating.
This article is intended to be a resource for those supporting someone who has experienced an unimaginable loss. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month but if we are being honest, those with a loss think about it all of the time. Personally, the purpose of this month is to highlight this issue to members of our community so they understand the impact it has on those with a loss and ways to truly support someone in need. Here are some suggestions on how to be there for someone who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
Acknowledgment
In my experience, people have avoided talking with me about the loss of my son as they felt they’d upset me. While that comes from a place of genuine care, the reality is that the loss is on my mind (and for those reading it may be at the forefront) and when someone says my son’s name (Luke), it makes me feel happy that he is being honored and remembered.
My daughter, Lily, who is 3.5 years old, does an amazing job of acknowledging him without really doing so on purpose. From time to time, she will ask me questions about him (how old he is in heaven, what toys he may like, etc.) and while it is heartbreaking that she will never meet her older brother, those questions make me feel so proud that she is acknowledging what happened to our family and remembering him.
(Lily, visiting her angel brother near his birthday)
Avoid Saying “Let me know how I can help” and Take Action
Similarly, to avoiding the topic of loss out of genuine concern, when someone says, “Please let me know how I can help”, it is truly out of the goodness of their heart. However, it unintentionally shifts the ownership onto the person who is grieving. For the person grieving, things are already feeling challenging, and now we have asked something else of them.
It is immensely helpful to give them ways you can help. I saw a meme once that I cannot take credit for, but it had a list for the person to choose from. The first choice was to drop off dinner on a certain day/time. The second choice was to come over and take care of their laundry. Lastly, the third choice was to run an errand for them and perhaps drop something at the door so they don’t have to talk. I loved how those examples illustrated a way to help someone but also not force a conversation if the person is not ready to talk.
Hold on the Advice
Being a shoulder to cry on or even someone to sit in silence with is incredibly meaningful to someone who is grieving. Though well intended, this is not the time to give advice or start a sentence with “at least….” Understanding empathetically without the addition of advice goes such a long way.
Don’t Forget About the Husband (or Partner)
While many tend to think of the woman when experiencing a pregnancy loss because something has physically happened to her, it is important to also include the husband or non-birthing partner. They may not be willing to talk about it, but I can promise you that it means so much. In the case of surrogacy, reaching out to both Intended Parents and expressing your condolences goes a long way.
If things are feeling heavy, please know that I am holding space for you in my heart and am always available to chat. If you are a family member or friend of someone grieving and looking for additional ways to support someone, you can also reach me at jessie@surrogacysimplified.com .