Our Independent Surrogacy Journey: Completing Our Family Through Surrogacy (Founder Story Part III)
This is the final chapter of my 3-part series on my path to parenthood. This blog post highlights my final surrogacy journey. It was different from the first in that we went the independent route.
The Decision to Have Another Child
My husband, Michael and I knew that if we were fortunate enough, we wanted to give our daughter, Lily, a sibling. Since it had taken about 4.5 years to have Lily, we wanted to start thinking about a sibling around her first birthday.
At this point, it was still the middle of COVID (2021) and we contacted the agency we used the first time. Due to COVID and an even more limited number of gestational carriers (GCs), the agency was not able to quote us a wait time. We were hesitant to sign on with an agency without any timeline. That was the deciding factor that we would try the independent route and if we could not find a gestational carrier within a year, we would go back and either work with our former agency or interview new ones.
Back to the Fertility Clinic
We had one remaining embryo from our previous round of IVF. Our knowledge of the surrogacy industry helped us make the decision to go ahead and create more embryos. It is usually more difficult to match with a GC when you only have one embryo for a variety of reasons. Mainly, many GCs feel there is a lot of pressure on them to have a successful transfer. Another reason is that if the embryo transfer were to fail, it would significantly delay the process for them as they’d need to wait for you to create more embryos.It is also important to note that this is very subjective and based on the personality of the GC who is viewing your IP profile.
With these factors in mind, we went ahead and underwent the process of IVF again. (The picture below is right before my second egg retrieval, not my most glamorous moment).
We also opted for our embryos to be genetically tested but did not find out the sex. Once our embryos were created and tested, we were ready to try to find a match on our own!
Finding our Gestational Carrier
We were in many private Facebook surrogacy groups. We posted a “profile,” which consisted of a post that shared a bit of our story, why we need a gestational carrier, pictures of our family, and logistical information such as our fertility clinic requirements.
Several days later, we received a Facebook message from an Intended Father in the group looking for a GC. He shared that his sister-in-law wanted to be a GC, but was not comfortable carrying for him because they did not want anything to harm the family relationship should anything go wrong.
Once the Intended Father connected me with his sister-in-law, Sarah, we began to talk on Facebook Messenger for several days. We really hit it off! She was friendly, approachable, and came off as super kind. We scheduled a Facetime chat and instantly felt a personal connection and that she could be an extension of our family.
Sarah had a few logistics to work through (i.e., medical records from a doctor who is retired, etc.) and we were more than happy to be patient through the summer since we had Lily. Our experience was vastly different having Lily while going through the beginning steps of another journey. During the first journey, we were filled with angst and an overall heartache of not yet being parents. This time, we felt incredibly excited and hopeful.
Our Surrogacy Journey
Once Sarah’s medical records were reviewed, she underwent the psych evaluation and then we were able to schedule the medical clearance. We were all really excited about this because we would finally meet in person. When we met, it was as if we had always known each other. Her husband, Matt, also came to support her and it was wonderful to meet him as well. After the medical evaluation was complete, we came to our house so Sarah and Matt could meet Lily.
With our first journey, our immediate family and friends knew every detail. While we absolutely could not have done it without their support, we wanted our second surrogacy journey to have the fun that many other parents have without reproductive technology and get to surprise others. Since my mother-in-law watched Lily at the time, we had to let her know (the day before Sarah came into town) but had kept the secret from everyone else.
The results of Sarah’s medical clearance were completed and everything was great with the exception of needing a polyp removed. They assured us that this wasn’t a big deal and we could get the procedure scheduled at a clinic near her home. Sarah graciously went through with the procedure and she shared that the procedure was quick and smooth.
After the polyps were removed, we were cleared to move to legal. We found two wonderful attorneys in Virginia where Sarah lived and the baby would be born. Since our families had discussed all the controversial topics during the matching phase, we again moved through legal quickly (less than a month) as there were not any surprises and everyone was on the same page.
After legal clearance was obtained, Sarah began to prepare her body for the frozen embryo transfer (FET) with various medications and acupuncture. Sarah made each step of the process fun, always documenting and sending us pictures so we felt included and part of the process.
We met Sarah in May, and the FET was scheduled for October. I share that to give a sense of the timing from meeting our GC to the transfer because often one of the biggest questions is how long the process will take. There were a few things over the summer that we could have potentially “hustled” on, but we were all so content enjoying the summer with Lily while Sarah got her medical records. The sense of urgency we felt during our first journey was not there. We were truly enjoying the process and felt hopeful that everything would work out with Sarah.
For the embryo transfer, they only allowed one person to accompany Sarah (it was me). I felt bad for Michael to not be present, but he was in the waiting room with Matt. Sarah and I held hands during the transfer while we watched what was happening on the video monitor. It was incredible to watch the microscopic embryo go into her body. From there, we took Sarah to get acupuncture, and then we all hung out for a bit before they headed home. Every fertility clinic has different recommendations and our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) did not recommend that our GC go on bed rest following the embryo transfer.
During the wait, the fertility clinic advised us not to take an at-home pregnancy test, and similar to the first experience, we were not able to listen to that advice! We began seeing a faint line around four days post-transfer (DPT) and watched in amazement each day when the line grew thicker and clearer. Finally, the blood test confirmed the pregnancy and we were ecstatic!
Once we heard the heartbeat around 6 weeks, we shared the news with our parents who were totally shocked. They couldn’t believe (and neither could we) that we were able to hold such a big surprise in for as long as we had.
From there, the pregnancy progressed smoothly. Michael and I FaceTimed for medical appointments and drove in for the 12 and 20-week (confirm) appointments.
Prepping our Daughter for the Baby
At around 12 weeks, we had Sarah call a local bakery for us so Lily could bite into a cupcake to learn the sex of the baby. After much anticipation (and her taking forever to eat the icing), we saw pink and were so shocked again!
We spent a lot of time talking to Lily about the baby, modeling how to be a big sister with baby dolls, and reading The Kangaroo Pouch to help her get a better understanding of what was going to happen. She was only a few months shy of 2 years old at this point. I was nervous that she would be confused for a baby to appear out of nowhere since there were not any changes to my body. There were no visual reminders of what was going on with my body since our baby was growing inside Sarah’s belly!
Closer to the due date, around 30 weeks or so, we began to prepare the nursery, which I thought helped her realize that a baby was coming. Lily could see the crib, rocking chair, etc. She helped Michael and his Dad (Pop-Pop Jazzy) build the crib and she felt a deep sense of pride. To this day, when she comes into the nursery she’ll tell us that she helped build the crib.
We also brought Lily to Virginia around 32 weeks to meet Sarah, Matt, and their daughters. Lily put her hand on Sarah’s belly and she talked to the baby. After the doctor appointments, we spent the day swimming with them and really connecting with both of our families.
The Birth
Around 34 weeks, Sarah’s blood pressure went up a bit and she developed preeclampsia. (Insert joke about it not ever being smooth sailing here). Sarah began checking her blood pressure daily to make sure that it didn’t get above a certain level. The doctors recommended a c-section (based on Sarah previously having two) at 37 weeks gestation as the best-case scenario. Each day was filled with anxiety not knowing if it would be the day that we would need to leave for Virginia and making sure Lily would have childcare arrangements while we were out of town.
We were lucky enough to make it to 37 weeks! We got into town the night before the c-section and went out to dinner with Sarah and her family. It was fun to have a night “just us” before the baby arrived. We gave Sarah our thank you gifts (which seems totally inconsequential given the fact that she is completing our family) and shared so many laughs.
We had called the hospital at 34 weeks to prepare them that we could be coming in on a moment’s notice. I requested to speak to the Charge Nurse so they would know our circumstances ahead of time. We also had our attorney share our Pre-Birth Order (PBO) so the hospital would have the proper documentation to know that Michael and I are the parents and we should make all the decisions in regard to the baby, while Sarah would make decisions related to her own body. Once we had the exact date of the c-section, I called again so they would have a full understanding of our circumstances and our request for separate rooms. This would allow Sarah to have privacy to heal and for us to have skin-to-skin and begin caring for our baby immediately.
When we arrived at the hospital, I was pleasantly surprised at how amazing the staff was at differentiating everyone and treating us like the Intended Parents. They provided us our own private room for our belongings, which was connected to Sarah’s room. Next, they essentially turned the operating room into what they called “Luna’s Birthday Party.” They played country music in the OR (per Sarah’s request). We weren’t sure ahead of time whether Michael and Sarah’s husband, Matt, would be allowed in the operating room. However, we got really lucky and had the largest operating room so that we could all be there (Michael and Matt included)!
During the c-section, I stayed by Sarah’s head and Michael was next to Matt. The c-section was relatively quick but painful for Sarah since it was her third one and she had some scarring from her previous births. As Luna was coming out, they lowered a sheet that was blocking us from seeing everything, however, I was able to see Luna. It was absolutely incredible! Michael and I were taken into a private room where we could receive Luna and begin skin-to-skin while they finished Sarah’s c-section.
It’s hard to put into words what it felt like when Luna was placed on my chest. Her journey had gone relatively smoother than her big sister’s and it was an overwhelming feeling of joy. We had (and still do to this day) a deep sense of gratitude for Sarah and what she had gone through to complete our family.
When Sarah was in the hospital room next to ours she started the recovery process from the c-section and we had our first few moments with our daughter. One moment that really stuck out to me was when Sarah’s daughters visited her in the hospital. Sarah had a wonderful support system and had many wonderful visitors in the hospital. When Sarah’s daughters were leaving the hospital after visiting, one of her daughters was crying and sad that she had to go back home while her mom remained at the hospital. This really gave me an overwhelming sense of the commitment and sacrifice Sarah had made to help our family.
When we were able to leave the hospital, it was incredibly emotional to leave Sarah after the amazing gift she had given us. We have plans to visit Sarah and her family this fall or winter. It is going to be amazing for them to see Luna and the true impact their selfless gift has had on our family.
(Our first picture as a family of four)