Our Surrogacy Journey: Overcoming Loss and Welcoming Our Daughter (Founder Story Part II)

This post tells the story of the surrogacy journey to have our oldest daughter, Lily. If you didn’t read my previous post, check it out to learn about the 4+ years to get to this point, my secondary infertility issues, and the decisions that led me to go down the path of surrogacy. 

When we made the decision to move forward with surrogacy, we decided to go the agency route. (We did go independent our second time around). This can typically be a cumbersome process but for us, we knew many people that used one particular agency and were very happy with the process. We interviewed the agency and signed up right away. Once we signed up with the agency, we needed to wait several months to go through IVF due to my husband starting a new job and accepting his health insurance benefits. This delayed our matching process because most surrogates prefer a family whose embryos are ready to go. 

Our First Gestational Carrier

Once I went through the egg retrieval process and our embryos were genetically tested, things began to finally get moving for us! From that point, it took about two months to be matched with a Gestational Carrier (GC). My husband, Michael, and I met the prospective GC and her husband on Skype. The nerves, the excitement, all of it! The initial meeting was much like a first date. We immediately hit it off and were ready to move forward with the process. 

Once we all agreed that a personal connection was made, we began the next steps; psych testing and medical clearance. Our fertility clinic required Michael, me, the GC, and her husband to receive a psych consult. Next was a medical evaluation performed by the fertility clinic. For medical clearance, our GC and her husband flew in from Utah so our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) could perform several tests and we did a group psych evaluation. We were all so excited to meet in person and everything was going well. 

Several days later all of her test results came in and she was cleared to move forward in the process. Next, we needed to obtain legal clearance. We sought legal representation by two attorneys; one to represent Michael and me, and the other to represent our GC and her husband. Once legal clearance was obtained (about a month), our GC began taking medication to prepare her body for the embryo transfer. Our GC and her husband flew in for the transfer and then we celebrated that night by going out to dinner. It was the most surreal feeling to know that there was the possibility that our dream of parenthood may actually become a reality. Doctors suggest that you do not do at-home pregnancy testing. Instead, they advise that the GC go to the fertility clinic 10 days post-transfer for a blood test to measure HCG levels that indicates if the embryo transfer resulted in a pregnancy. Of course, we immediately tested at home and saw a positive pregnancy test, but of course, held our breath until she got the bloodwork. We got the news and we were absolutely thrilled that she was pregnant! 

About two weeks later, our GC called us and said she was going to the emergency room because she had abdominal pain. She had pancreatitis, likely resulting from a rare complication from taking the IVF medication. As it turned out, our GC had high triglycerides that caused her to have a complication from the IVF medication. Most fertility clinics test reproductive health but do not do comprehensive testing on overall health (i.e., lipids, etc). 

Several days afterward, the pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. When I found out, I fell to the floor. I could not believe that this was happening again. To make matters worse, our RE had accidentally told us the sex (we wanted it to be a surprise) and we knew it was another boy. As much as we cared and adored our GC, it was a mutual decision that we needed to break the match to protect her health and also give our future child the best chance at a healthy pregnancy. On top of grieving a miscarriage, there was so much time and money spent that resulted in another failed pregnancy. It was absolutely gut-wrenching.

Back to Square One

We went back to our agency and were waiting to be re-matched. While waiting to be matched, I joined several private surrogacy Facebook groups and became more of an active participant. One day, I commented on another Intended Parent’s post and wished them good luck on their journey as the Intended Mother also had Asherman’s Syndrome and her story really resonated with me. To my surprise, I received a private message from a prospective GC, Amber, stating that she thought I seemed kind and asked if I was looking for a GC. I was apprehensive at first since I had hired an agency to do the vetting, but did not want to turn down the chance at a carrier. After FaceTiming with Amber and her husband (Dalton), Michael and I wanted to have her meet our agency to see if she could be our GC. 

A New Match 

The process was similar to our previous journey (albeit in a different state; Kentucky). Following psych testing, Amber and Dalton flew into Baltimore for the medical clearance day. Amber completed the medical screening and we did a group psych consult. Similarly to before, we went out to dinner and really loved spending time together. 

Once all of the testing came back, we were so excited that Amber was medically cleared and we could move to the legal phase of our journey. Since we had transparent discussions ahead of time, we were able to move relatively quickly through this part of the process and then Amber was able to prepare for the embryo transfer. 

Amber also received acupuncture while beginning the IVF medications. Once it was time for the embryo transfer, Amber and Dalton flew into Baltimore. During the embryo transfer, Amber and I held hands and it was the most indescribable feeling. Following the transfer, Amber went to a local acupuncture clinic and then we all spent time together prior to her and Dalton’s flight back to Kentucky. 

As with our prior GC, we were too nervous and excited to wait 10 days for the bloodwork test to determine pregnancy. We began home testing about 4 days post-transfer and Amber saw a faint line. We actually asked Amber to do her first home pregnancy test on the day that Michael and I met, what we affectionately refer to as our “meetaversary”, making the day even more memorable. 

The Pregnancy

From the time of bloodwork confirming pregnancy through 30 weeks, the pregnancy went smoothly. Amber and I decided early on (in the matching phase) that we would touch base daily but our friendship evolved organically so that it didn’t feel like a “check-in.” We naturally had things to discuss, even outside of the pregnancy, and developed a beautiful relationship. Michael and I FaceTimed for each appointment and flew in to spend time with Amber and her family for the 12-week and 20-week anatomy scan. It was incredible to be in Kentucky and spend time with her family. Amber sent us pictures, told us about her cravings or how she was feeling, and did a really great job of making us feel part of the pregnancy.

To backtrack a bit, I’d love to share the moment we found out the sex of the baby. With both of our prior losses being boys, Michael and I (if I am being honest, mainly me) assumed that we had a tendency to have boys and we would be parents of boys. We asked our nurse at the fertility clinic to call Amber with the sex of the baby so she could surprise us. Since our embryos were genetically tested, the fertility clinic knew the sex but we had asked them to not tell us. We waited until around 12 weeks to find out the sex as we were nervous that finding out the sex would make it feel “too real” and we had been through so much. There was a very real sense of feeling like it could be too good to be true. 

Since Amber wasn’t local to us, she sent us a package. We filmed the reaction of us opening the package so we could share it with our family. We would have been excited either way, but when we opened the package to find a little girl’s nightgown and booties, I began screaming. I was so surprised and could not believe what I was seeing. It is a core memory that I will never forget.

You Knew This Story Couldn’t Come to an End Without Some Stress 

On New Year's Eve (around 30 weeks gestation), we received a call from Amber that she wasn’t feeling well and she was going to the hospital to get checked. We were beside ourselves; so worried for Amber and so worried for our baby. Amber was experiencing some headaches and swelling, and as it turned out, her blood pressure was elevated. The doctors were able to get her blood pressure lowered and she was discharged from the hospital. They advised her to do bed rest at home, which means essentially remaining at home and relaxing as much as possible. Amber had 3 kids and did this graciously, with Dalton being incredibly supportive, while she focused on her health and keeping our daughter cooking as safely as possible. 

About five days later (between 30-31 weeks gestation), Amber was experiencing similar symptoms and went back to the hospital. Once she received her initial intake evaluation, they decided to admit her with the possibility of hospital bedrest until the baby was born due to preeclampsia. At this point, Michael and I began to pack our bags as quickly as possible and hop on the next flight to Kentucky. 

Earlier in the pregnancy, I had found an extended-stay hotel near the hospital and we booked the hotel for two nights on the way to the airport. We had no idea if we’d be coming back home before the baby was born. We were in a rush to get to the hospital because we had no idea if her blood pressure would continue to elevate and they’d deliver our daughter or if things would remain status quo for a bit. We also wanted to support Amber as much as possible so Dalton could focus on their children. 

The next 10 days were up and down. We were on edge, constantly not knowing if the next hour would mean that Amber’s blood pressure would be too high and it would be “go time” to deliver our daughter. 

At 32 weeks, 6 days, Amber’s blood pressure was at an all-time high. The doctors decided that it was no longer safe for Amber to remain pregnant and it was time to deliver our daughter. At this point, Amber received two steroids spaced 12 hours apart. This detail is important because I really believe it helped our daughter’s lungs tremendously. Michael and I were so nervous to have our daughter delivered two months early. The neonatologist came in to explain all of the possibilities of having a child this early and our heads were spinning. 

When they induced Amber, Michael and I were instructed to go to the waiting room. At this point, the chaplain came to talk to us. Being Jewish, but not particularly observant, I had never prayed with a priest but at this point, I was willing to pray to whoever was listening. We held hands with the chaplain and a few nurses and it was an uplifting experience. We visited Amber one last time and then the nurses suggested we go home to rest and let the Pitocin begin to work. 

We got to the hospital early the next morning with our photographer. Even though we knew our daughter would be going to the NICU following her delivery, this moment was four years in the making and all of us wanted it documented. The morning went relatively uneventful and then Michael and I stepped out of Amber’s hospital room to eat lunch in the waiting room. 

As soon as we got back, Amber looked at us and said that she could tell the baby was coming any minute. The nurses were frantically calling the doctors and the NICU team was running in to help once our daughter was born. It was hardly any pushes until our daughter arrived. 

During delivery, Amber was on magnesium for her blood pressure and we heard that can often make babies sleepy. We were petrified that our daughter would be delivered and not cry because she was asleep. Luckily, the moment she was born we heard a loud cry and everyone in the room burst into tears. The NICU team immediately took our daughter to the NICU, born 3 lbs 11 oz. We were not able to hold her until she was evaluated because they needed to see if she required oxygen and conduct all of the initial testing that is performed on a baby born that early. 

Lily is Here!

The moment I held Lily for the first time was indescribable. I couldn’t believe that after every obstacle, every hardship, she was finally here and we would get to love on her for the rest of our lives. Even though I did not carry her, I never worried about our connection or bond. The moment she was placed on my chest I knew she was mine. 

Once the initial testing was complete, they determined that Lily did not need oxygen but did require a feeding tube. She only needed the feeding tube for two days. We feel so incredibly lucky that her main goal in the NICU was to simply grow. Michael and I spent each day she was in the NICU by her side, caring for her as much as we were able. Often times we sat beside her while she was in the incubator. It was important for her to stay warm so that she did not burn any calories and continued to put on weight. 

After about 2 weeks, Lily was discharged from the hospital and we drove her home, with the help of Michael’s mother (we were exhausted) to Baltimore. It was a total rollercoaster, but we were so grateful to Amber and the sacrifices she made for our family. She was in the hospital for nearly three weeks while having her children at home. There are just no words for someone who acts so selflessly to help another family’s dream come true. Amber, Dalton, and their family are incredibly special to us. We are eternally grateful for the greatest gift that anyone could ever give to our family, our Lily.